I wish you could in some way share my reality, understand my world, in the same way that i am forced to live in yours. I wish that you could experience if only for a day, the tornado within my body and the frustration that arises when i can’t follow its movements. I wish you could feel the restlessness that vibrates within my body that makes me crazy when i try to contain it. I wish that you could understand that every time you try to make me slow down or stop, that i deflate completely. It feels like a weight around my body, I feel enclosed, smothered and I want to fight free. I need to fly freely at my own pace or I will collapse. I´d like you to understand that it isn´t out of ill will or laziness that I can´t handle certain situations or deal with certain things and that every time I lose or forget things that I already feel defeated. I don´t need accusations or allegations, they don´t help me. They just create yet another layer of sorrow and frustration on the mountain that has already built up within me. I wish you could understand the frustration I feel when I´m interrupted because when i lose my place i can’t´t find my way back. I´m sorry that I can´t listen to you but my thoughts fly off in different directions toward unknown destinations and I can´t stop them however har I try.
I wish that every time you ask me ”whats the matter” that you´d believe me when I reply I don´t know. The answer is hidden even to me. I´d like to be able to show you the feeling of anxiety that constantly lives within me; it´s like a large dark hole in my stomach that transforms to air when i put it in my hand. You can’t se it and you can’t understand it. It doesn’t weigh anything but it feels heavier that life itself to carry.
Something lives within me that I can’t control or stop. I try daily to control it, in order to function normally. Sometimes I wish it could be seen on the outside and it was visibly engraved on my forehead as a reminder for you that i don’t function the same way as you do. So that you would remember that every time I upset you or frustrate you, that I´ve already done all i can, tried my best…but haven’t succeeded…and no one is more upset that I am.
Author:Jessica Hjert Flod
Translator: Bernadette Cully